Muse on Auto-pilot [24 May 2006|12:30pm] [ mood | dirty ] [ music | "I Feel You" :: Placebo ] I just woke up and I'm tired again. Maybe it's just my eyes. They're puffy and sore from staring at the screen too much. And yet here I am. I could be going to meetings today. Getting my required 10 in and over with. I'm running out of time to do so. But no. I sit here and oggle Digimon shota and listen to Placebo and occasionaly glance out the backyard screendoor to observe those birds my grandma loves to feed. My head itches. I can't remember the last time I took a real, nice, long shower. My scalp is grimy. My body is coated in this gross salty film from sweating during rehersals. I probably stink. If I do, I hardly notice it. After all, it takes about 4 minutes for your olafactory (is that how it's spelled?) senses to numb to certain smells. These are the thingsrequired of science geeks like me. We know how to go into smelly places and not vomit. (I watch too many forensic science specials...) Everybody in CAST says I need a life. I thought CAST was my life? Isn't it supposed to be? Susan's constantly going on about how "nothing in CAST optional or debateable" and how we're "on contract for a year." I mean, the only reason I got the second job at Rockin' Pizza is because they'll work around my CAST schedule... "We don't -need- anybody." That's another little slogan. Susan's mad at Jenna for skipping out on group therapy and being late. She's talking about dropping her. Only 2 shows left in the season and she want's to redo the script again. That's how things are here though. And it scares me. I feel so paranoid. What if I slip up? What if they kick me out? I guess fear is a sick little way of keeping the actors in-check. It's working. At least for me. I think I'm going to take that shower now. 1 comment|post comment

Morning Ritual [24 May 2006|11:30am] [ mood | amused ] [ music | "Bring the Pain" :: MSI ] "You should eat something healthier." She says, jaw setting in anticipation. She knows I'm destined to argue. "Like what?" I ask in irritation, swallowing my chewed cookie. "Like cereal! It's got..." She rambles. I catch only tidbits. I'm getting good at tuning her out. "I'm not very hungry..." She doesn't hear me. She goes on about oatmeal and other unappitizing alternatives. My small stack of cookies goes untouched. It's these times that I hate her. I hate it when she dictates me. I know it's what she considers the best, but I just find it annoying. "I'm not hungry." I repeat. She silences. She turns and walks away. Finally. I know she's angry now, but I don't care. I've learned to ignore caring when it comes to her. I pick up my second cookie. Victory is sweet. post comment

Not it ... [21 May 2006|07:16pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | "Priest" :: Stephen Lynch ] MEME: List 10 celebrities you find incredibly sexy and explain why. Include a picture(s) of them, if possible. Tag 5 people to do the same. ( These are all really #1... ) I tag anyone who reads this and hasn't done it already 8D (my whole 5 friends who actually pay attention) post comment

Reiko (Updated ) [17 May 2006|06:12am] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | "Never Scared" :: Chris Rock ] ( This looked good before my scanner killed it... ) post comment

So precious loving the thrill... [17 May 2006|04:05am] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | "Stitches" ::Orgy ] Sweet dear mother of Susan has this week been fucking fun or what? Okay, today I get up at friggin 12pm. I take Ricky to work at 2-ish and I see Addy on the side of the road. So I figure, she looks depressed, so we grab her. Drop Ricky off, we go back to my house. It turns out that Addy was, well, basiclly STALKING BriBri. (Even though the guy is still at school.) So we chill for a bit and I take her home. Then I find out I'm LATE for a show that I was unaware we were having until literally the day before. So I drive like a maniac to pick up Elise only to find we had a half-hour extension. We went out to the reservation, did the show. Jenna's having boy-woes again. We all really think she needs to drop Jake. She won't, of course. I got home around 10pm. You'd think I'd be tired by now but alas... At least things with Ali worked out. I have YET to figure out my cosplay thing and time is running out x_x; Oi... post comment

Everybody loves a... [13 May 2006|09:07pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | "Everybody Loves a Happy Ending" :: Tears for Fears ] OMG Tech-nu! Yeah, just chill-eyeingee with Chris and Justice from Rockin' Pizza. I forgot to mention (to you Bri-Bri) That a bunch of us are going to the Betty Page flick at the Loft tomorrow-ish. I'll re-post on MS and VF, but since some of you get banned from EVERYTHING (*cough* BB and RR *cough*) I decided to put the invite here. And another FYI, I know what RR and and Auen did to RR's wall. Naughty, naughty. Glue and a lighter? Wtf? Anyways yeah. RR's mom is PISSED. She thinks some middle schoolers did it. :( Ah well. ----- Wake up your time is nearly over No more the supernova No action guaranteed Wake up you've had an operation Ideals above your station Too much reality Think about the wasted time spending Watching Mother Nature's knees bending Everybody loves a happy ending post comment

Viva la Sunshine [13 May 2006|06:23pm] [ mood | enthralled ] [ music | "Rock Superstar" :: Cypress Hill ] The last few days have been so insanely insane it's insane. First, Ali trouble. For those of you who read this and know, you know that's 'nuff said. Then we had a CAST show on friday. Twas pretty rockin. Jenna, Stephan Elise and I went to Rockin' Pizza afterwards. It's now offically designated my favorite hangout. (With Magic Carpet at a close second.) We had a 'round table discussion about sex lives. I met Jenna's friend/co-worker Chris and Co. It's so sweet. They have like all these autographed pics and stuff on the walls from all these kick ass bands. <3 And they play awesome music. So today we had a show at Reid Park in the bandshell. To give you an idea of how miserable it was. Take 98-100 degree weather then up it 10. Now stand/jog in that for an hour. Yeah. But Jenna, Stephan and I went to Ricky's mom's after and swam for a bit. We chilled a little then I took Jenna to work. I hung with Stevie at his house then we went to get gas and I dropped him off at work. Then I went to Rockin and that's where I'm at now. MUCHAS LURVE TO MAH CAITI! -JJ 4 comments|post comment

Once upon a time... [12 May 2006|01:09am] [ mood | Fwee! ] [ music | "Something Magical" :: Blind Divine ] ONCE UPON A TIME I heard music. I felt safe, But lonely. I heard a lot of what I now believe is laughter. I think my parents were having dinner. It was dark, I was afraid. Then there was light. I was confused. I panicked and fought for my life. I felt like dying. The room felt dirty. I felt small. I cried. There were huge, bright monsters everywhere. But I let go. I was free! And crawled and cried, And laughed and was excited, And hungry. In kindergarten I made Lots of friends I made Green eggs and ham I was Always waiting for my dad Didn't talk much he never Did what he said he was going to do. I didn't understand my relationship with My parent's never married. My life was confusing. Unstable. My teachers were scary. When I was 8 years old my grampa died I didn't know what I'd do Without my mom Was never there. I made my first best friend. It was fun, we used to Laugh and play together. My sixth grade teacher Made me feel stupid. I was 12 years old when My emotions went crazy, I saw People pass out in my bathroom, I started To smoke weed, I came to realize that My dad wasn't coming home, I learned About racism, my friends Were changing, I felt that I wasn't good enough, I found out About drugs, my mom Didn't understand me, she would Criticize me, I started To worry about What other people thought of me, EVERYONE I knew was using, I didn't Understand why. It was something to do. It killed the pain. It was the worst year ever. Things were out of control. I don't like to think about this, but I Started using drugs, and Drinking, and Questioning. I tried to bury my dad's cocaine, he almost Had to talk to me. M y L i f e Started going downhill. And drugs were there to help. post comment

5:05 [11 May 2006|04:45am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | "Blue Monday" :: Orgy ] ( text ) post comment

Nerd [10 May 2006|01:59pm] [ mood | Huzzah! ] [ music | Soap Operas ] Yesterday was so fucking fun. So Rene, Jenna and Stephen couldn't go to the Hispanic Heritage Awards thingy, but that was okay. Elise, Susan and I had a BLAST. The drive up to Pheonix was quiet. I napped most of the way. Then we stopped by this photoplace to check out Susan's head-shots. We finally got to the museum where the awards ceremony was to be held. They had a buffet-lunch thing for an hour before the ceremony. We figured out a way to play Celebrities with only 3 people. Celebrities is played by writting down the names of famous people, living or dead, on scraps of paper and mixing them up. Then each team takes turns drawing out a scrap and trying to explain the person to eachother without using pronouns or names, of course. It really makes he time go. Elise gave this fantabulous speech that I still refuse to believe was off the top of her head. The photographer took FOREVER to get through the pics. We headed home and played "darkness celebrities" where one of us would think of someone and discribe and the other two had to guess. First to guess won. Then we played "US States". We got back to Tucson around 11:30 to find I locked my keys in my car at the meeting place. So we had to call the g-pa to bring me the spare. While we waited we played "Who would you kick out of bed?" (I found out that, given a choice between Louisa and my grandpa, Susan'd rather "snuggle" g-pa.) I wound up getting home at around 1 AM. I emailed my sweetheart and went to bed. All in all I would definately like to have more nights like that. post comment

Tag, I'm it. [09 May 2006|10:45am] [ mood | Mrr... ] [ music | "Mad World" :: Tears for Fears ] Anyways, Ali found me again. I either suck or she's really good, I'm vouching for the former. I need to put in a good, long call to Caiti. And I think everyone's gonna be pissed that I'm talking to her so easily. I don't really understand it myself. Maybe I really am that co-dependant? Maybe I've just gotten too used to her. I don't feel nearly as obsessive about her as before. It's like my life has become this mildly bipolar timeline. There are "Alison Periods" and then there are "NonAlison Periods." Then again, just categorizing my life into the times I am with or without Ali is pretty codependant of me. I'm fucked. BTW, my "Celebrities" partner Stephan (W00t team Stessica!) isn't going with us to Pheonix after all :(. I guess we'll just have to play Mad Libs instead. post comment

W00t, Updatzorz [08 May 2006|01:24am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" - PANIC! at the Disco ] 05/01/06 We did "the happiness scale" in therapy today. It's hard for me to really be honest on it. My happiness varies on a day-to-day basis. By the by tody was alright. I can only hope that all my "happiness scale" days are like this... It was May-Day, Beltane today. It was hard to concentrate during the ritual. I've been feeling very spiritually drained lately. It's like I'm just numb. And it sucks so goddamned much! Everything around me seems so fragile and if I think hard enough I can see it all fall apart. And.I.just.don't.care. I'm so afraid that I'm turning into Alison. She used to tell me she'd hate for that to happen. Alison hated everything. She hated me. I hate me. We were soulmates in that respect I think. God this sucks so bad... 05/02/06 We read journals in rehearsal today. Jenna, Elise and I got pretty emotional over some of the shit we've gone through. I talked about how useless my past therapy was. And how useless talking to my g-ma is about my emotions. Suffice to say we didn't really get much in the "rehearsal" department done. 05/03/06 Rehearsal sucked today. We were working off our "Rene" scripts. Stephen messed up the "Jenna" scene a bit. Susan got mad. There's not much else to it. 05/04/06 Today was EXHAUSTING. First I went to this TPAC luncheon with some of the CAST, Susan and Adrianne. We were nominated for an award. Suffice to say we didn't win. (The Loft got it). But it was still cool, eventhought they cooked my veggies in wine and I couldnt eat them :(. Jenna, Stephen and I hung out for a little bit at my house before we had to go to this meeting about doing groups or something. Certian people wouldn't shut the hell up. Then I took Stephen to his second acting thingy. Jenna and I jammed out in my car while I took her to Rockin' Pizza. We definately should chill more. 05/05/06 FELIZ CINCO DE MAYO! I worked this table at this party with Rene. We handed out a lot of lit. Rene rocks at talking to lil kids. After that we went by Mollner to pick up the keyboard. Rene made me clean out my car, the bastard. But that's okay cos I almost dumped him out of the car. >3 Anyways, after that we went to R-Galaxy and he let me rent a couple movies on his account. Then I took him home. Today was one bitchin day. 05/06/06-05/07/06 HOLY SHIT! post comment

Hospitals, PBS, and Normality [01 May 2006|11:35am] [ mood | busy ] [ music | "Violin Sonata in B-flat, Op. 5 No. 4" :: Leclair ] 04/23/06 I went to Williams, AZ with the CAST. We were putting on a show on Monday and everyone wanted to see the Grand Canyon before. I felt really sick as we headed up and I was very nauseated. We ate at this one resturant but that only made it worse. Then, while we were walking around the rim, I threw up a little bit. I took a nap in the van while everyone else walked. I even started crying a little cos I just wanted to go home. But Stephen bought me this little stuffed deer/moose thing and a Sprite and that made me feel a little better. My dinner was this gross shit from Denny's but it helped my stomach (suprisingly). I had trouble falling asleep that night. 04/24/06 I woke up with the most awful stomach ache ever. I did NOT want to get up but I told myself I had to. We had to put on the show. So I got up before the alarma even went off and took a shower. Then Jenna (my roomie) and I got ready. We watched a little bit of Anastasia (I LOVE that movie so hard) and then went downstairs. We ate at this kick ass resturant called the Grand Canyon Cafe. The guy who runs it is this SWEET Brit who makes the BEST pancakes. <3 Unfortunately though, breakfast didn't help my stomach and by the time we got to the school I was feeling so hideously nauseous and dizzy. I even tried to make myself throw up a couple of times cos I just wanted it to quit, but nothing came out. I sat on some steps outside and got some air. That seemed to help for a bit. Then we went into the lockeroom to warm up and I suddenly got WAY dizzy and felt my chest tighten. I said I couldn't breathe. They set me on this bench and I think I passed out on Stephen. I remember being layed on the floor, then the medics putting me on the stretcher thing. I woke up on the way to the hospital. They said I fainted due to dehydration and altitude sickness. Susan came with me and made sure I was okay. Then she was goofing off and made me laugh, which made me feel a lot better. The CAST improvsed the show, just Elise, Stephen and Jenna, and I hear it went great! Susan and I have been joking about how "that was our plan all along!" 04/25/06 I slept most of Tuesday. I was exhausted, understandably. Ricky came over and we chilled for a bit. He's a good healer, he just doesn't realize it. I started having to go to the bathroom a lot because the doctor gave me these pills for a urinary tract infection. The doc said it had nothing to do with my fainting because I hadn't had any symptoms of it yet. 04/26/06 I watched South Pacific on PBS. I HAVE TO GET THAT DVD! <3 I've been watching a lot of PBS lately. Not that that's a bad thing. Ricky keeps asking "Why can't you be normal?" and I just laugh. But inside I feel hurt a bit, which sucks. He's always criticizing me. I know it's just in fun, but it still makes me feel self-consious. Maybe one day I'll tell him to knock it off. 04/27/06 Thursday was a BUSY day. I had a Teen Townhall thing at ACE with Elise. Then Elise and I went to this YAC Board Meeting thing to discuss the APEX. The park guy pissed us off because he doesn't want loud rock bands to play because it might disturb the public. So? Let it disturb them! Let this whole APEX disturb them! We NEED to make them say "What the fuck?" And when they ask, and we answer, it might just open thier eyes. There's more to life than quiet walks in the park, Mister Park-guy. Anyway, after that we went to a CAST meeting. We're working with two different scripts. One with Rene, and one without. Fun. 04/27/06 - 04/30/06 Nothing much happened over the weekend. I spent most of the time cleaning my room and playing the Sims 2. Ricky came over for a bit and we played and watched this special on PBS about sea creatures. (See, he's not very "normal" is he? :3 ) -JJ post comment

Throwing wolves at maggots. [21 Apr 2006|04:47pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | "Kill You" :: Eminem ] # 86: Do you have a testimony? Write down the things you do believe and know are true. Love hurts. Love Conquers All. In the end we all die alone. Don't fuck with Shady. Don't drink the water. If you want something done, you have to find cheap labor. Men are better with other men. I love Caiti. I love Brian. I love Ricky. I love almost everyone. Except Alison. My mom still blames me for her poverty. My grampa is tall. Stay Alive could have been way better. I need gas. Lists rock. 4 comments|post comment

I feel like... [21 Apr 2006|04:26pm] [ mood | predatory ] [ music | "Something Magical" :: Blind Divine ] Do you see me? Do you wanna pick apart every part of me? Are you wondering what there'll be? Do you wanna tune in to see what you'll find? post comment

Drinking Pepsi-cola Screaming "Death to America!" [20 Apr 2006|11:09pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | "Mad World" :: Tears for Fears ] 04.15.06 I worked on my Easter Cards (still late on them). My g-ma gave me my Easter Basket thingy early. HOORAY FOR PEEPS! 04.16.06 My grandparents went to Vail to visit my relatives for Easter. I stayed home and slept-in. Then I worked on the CAST board. I had left over potato salad for dinner. All in all it was fairly uneventful. 04.17.06 I had my first Youth Advisory Council meeting! It was really cool. I think Elise is a great chairperson. <3. We discussed the Youth Apex coming up and brainstormed. I think we were pretty productive. Then we went to the shed to get boxes to take to our new rehersal spot at City High. I was a lil scared about driving downtown but I followed Elise and made it through. The rehersal was exhausting cos we're working on a last minute script. 04.18.06 I cried today. I hate driving downtown so much I had a panic attack. It was so fucking embarassing. Yeah. Rehearsal went okay. 04.19.06 We had a show. I dont think the audience was really paying attention because it was a voluntary attendance sort of thing. Oh well. Other than that, we rocked for only having 4 days to reherse the new script. I'm switching to an online high school so my schedule isn't so tight. Ricky's also switching. 04.20.06 I cried again. Susan had to come and lead me to City High. Why am I so claustrophobic?! It's so disgusting and immature. I just have to get over it already. I bet it's super annoying. Anyways, after rehersal I filled in for Elise on this town hall panel-thing cos her throat hurt. Nothing was really spectacular but I think I sucked. :( *sigh* post comment

Ceramics, nudity, and self-loathing. [17 Apr 2006|01:58am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | "Fair" :: Remy Zero ] 04.13.06 I broke a ceramic vase in the bathroom. Alright, so maybe that's not the most conventional way to start a journal. (This is from my hand-written journal I have to keep for CAST.) What -is- the conventional way to start a journal anyway? Further, why does my grandma have breakable objects on mobile stands on a tile floor? I guess that's why I'm in acting and not interior design. 04.13.06 (again) I found out my grampa sleeps nude... Anyway, the last few days in CAST have een hectic. Rene left, Jenna came in, we rewrote the script. I get to be the sleezeball friend who tried to rape Jenna. After rehearsal Elise, Stephan and I went to Hooters. Good times. I hope my check comes in soon. I joined YAC! 04.14.06 Sometimes I feel like my suggestions are stupid. I feel like I annoy people. I can't help ut wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. Do my fellow CAST members wish I would go away? Do my friends? My family? Why am I so insecure? I feel like I want to cry. Sometimes I tell myself to just shut up because what ever i'm saying is stupid. Sometimes I feel stupid. like when Brian talks about music or Ricky talks about cars. I know it's thier hobbies, but thoes are cool hobbies. My hobbies suck. Sometimes I want to scream because I'm so embarassed by who I am. I guess that's pretty stupid too... 1 comment|post comment

Weekend Recap [10 Apr 2006|07:34pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | "Helena" :: The Misfits ] Wed. We left for Safford. The ride there for the most part was uneventful. Stephen brought Mad Libs so we played with those to entertain ourselves. We did the show at Morenci Elementary and it rocked (even though I accidently popped Elise in the mouth during my "grandparent" scene.) It sucked that it was only in front of about 10 people. I guess that's how it goes. I got roomed with Elise. We both had trouble falling asleep. Thu. We had to get up at 5am. :( We got yelled at for being "late" for our call time, even though we left earlier than planned to head back to Morenci. (Note: I found that Cranberry juice works wonders on my pre-show jitters.)Anyways, we did the show at Morenci Jr./Sr. High (it was fairly decent) and the one in Duncan. I started crying in the bathroom before the show. I was upset because I felt that everyone was yelling at me for taking too long during our last Q & A session. Add that to a lot of stress I've been under dealing with my g-parents, sister and friends and it just exploded. But Susan (the Director) took me into the weight room of the school and we all sat in a circle and got things situated. (The show was rather drained though.) We went back and ate at this resturant called "Jerry's". Then Rene, Stephen and I went to Wal-Mart. The boys streaked through this dark, alley-thing (which we got yelled at for later. Understandably.) I bought this "20 Questions" thing and a deck of cards. Fri. The show we did in Cliffton sucked, but the town was pretty. I think we all were drained from doing 3 shows in 24 hours. On the way home we played this game called "Celebrities". It's definately on my list of things to play during the William's trip. Anyways, when I got home Ricky, Brian and I went to Magic Carpet golf and played pool. 'Twas fun-ful. Sat. Slept-in. Hung out. Went to MC again with Brian and Ricky. Brian and I were very... grope-ish. >3 *giggle* All-in-all I had a blast. I had a bit of a depressed dip though. Weird. Sun. Brian and I went to MC alone. I wasn't as touchy feely but I think it was cos I didn't want to make him uncomfortable? It was odd. We had PBnJ for dinner! Mon. I made a friend at school today. Her name is Tasha Hooker, Hooker for short. Shes so fucking cool. We shared CD's/iPOD and talked about JTHM. <3 I got an emergancy call from work and rushed over to find that Rene is on the verge of having to chose between CAST (work) and graduation. It sucks so bad but hopefully he'll work things out. I don't think CAST would be the same without him. post comment

MotorStone w00t! [02 Apr 2006|12:19pm] [ mood | Owch... ] [ music | "War Hero" :: MotorStone ] So I nearly headbanged myself into a coma with Meep (yes, I changed your nickname, Beef) and Ris at the battle of the bands lastnight. STEVEN'S BAND WON! I had so much fun and I made a new friend! 6PN! ::Hugs:: My neck is so sore... Friday night Meep, Nada (changed from Loaf fyi XD ) and I bought a shitload of Vault energy drinks and sat around playing "I've never...". Meep threw up. Then we sat around playing madlibs. Sweet. Today Nada is supposed to come over. We're working on a movie project. I'm gonna be so busy next week... 2 comments|post comment

Public Speaking is Fun... [29 Mar 2006|04:51pm] So today I spoke on a Teen Townhall meeting over at Grant and Silverbell. I represented the "using" teen cos I'm in recovery. It was pretty cool I guess, but they ticked me off a bit. I called Suzzana (the organizer) and asked if I needed to have anything prepared. She said no. Then I show up and come to find we're doing opening speeches. So I had to write something down in aout 10 minutes. It's sketchy but I think I did pretty good. Hello, As you know, my name is Jessica Heathcoat and I am 17 years old. I've been in recovery for a little over 6 months. I began drinking when I was 11 years old. I started for a number of reasons, but mainly it had to do with my "forced lifestyle". From the time I was 10 years old my mother started drinking to deal with the pain of breaking up with my sisters father, her partner of over 10 years. I began to see the changes my mom went through.Sometimes she was sad, sometimes she was happy, sometimes she was angry... She was out of control. Often times I had to step up to her to protect my younger sister from her irratic behavior. And then, oneday, I had had enough. I began to feel so weak and powerless against her. Coupled with the fact that my sister's father, a man I had called "dad" my whole life, suddenly didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was a lot for an 11 year-old to take on in the course of only one year. Sadly, I broke, and began to use alcohol. Sadder still, it was only well into my use that I began to hear about programs like alateen, a group for youth effected by alcohol abuse in thier families. By then I'd decided that it was too late. It took until I was 16 yearsold for me to acknowledge that I had a problem. 5 years for me to realize that the pain I was trying to protect my family from was the pain that I was causing. This is why I believe that it it so important to address underage alcoholism in our community. This is why I agreed to do this "Teen" Townhall. Because I look around at my fellow panelists and I realize there are only two people up here for a presentation meant for teens that can really identify and represent today's youth. I don't mean to say that adults have no business being involved, because they do. They make up a large part of the support group I have accquired throughout my recovery. However, Jacob and I represent only a small fraction of the youths effected by substance abuse and alcoholism. I believe that the voice of the children is very misrepresented and only amounts to a whisper within this sea of adults and adult agendas. I'm hoping that this meeting today intrigues you. I hope it opens your eyes to what's going on around us. Because we are the future. Only we can decide how to deal with and irradicate this ever-growing problem. Thank you. post comment

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