The Gospel According to St. Bastard...

Muse on Auto-pilot

Wed, 24 May 2006 19:32:58 GMT

I just woke up and I'm tired again.

Maybe it's just my eyes. They're puffy and sore from staring at the screen too much. And yet here I am.

I could be going to meetings today. Getting my required 10 in and over with. I'm running out of time to do so. But no. I sit here and oggle Digimon shota and listen to Placebo and occasionaly glance out the backyard screendoor to observe those birds my grandma loves to feed.

My head itches. I can't remember the last time I took a real, nice, long shower. My scalp is grimy. My body is coated in this gross salty film from sweating during rehersals. I probably stink. If I do, I hardly notice it. After all, it takes about 4 minutes for your olafactory (is that how it's spelled?) senses to numb to certain smells. These are the thingsrequired of science geeks like me. We know how to go into smelly places and not vomit. (I watch too many forensic science specials...)

Everybody in CAST says I need a life. I thought CAST was my life? Isn't it supposed to be? Susan's constantly going on about how "nothing in CAST optional or debateable" and how we're "on contract for a year." I mean, the only reason I got the second job at Rockin' Pizza is because they'll work around my CAST schedule...

"We don't -need- anybody." That's another little slogan. Susan's mad at Jenna for skipping out on group therapy and being late. She's talking about dropping her. Only 2 shows left in the season and she want's to redo the script again. That's how things are here though. And it scares me. I feel so paranoid.

What if I slip up?

What if they kick me out?

I guess fear is a sick little way of keeping the actors in-check. It's working. At least for me.

I think I'm going to take that shower now.

Morning Ritual

Wed, 24 May 2006 18:32:46 GMT

"You should eat something healthier." She says, jaw setting in anticipation. She knows I'm destined to argue.

"Like what?" I ask in irritation, swallowing my chewed cookie.

"Like cereal! It's got..." She rambles. I catch only tidbits. I'm getting good at tuning her out.

"I'm not very hungry..." She doesn't hear me. She goes on about oatmeal and other unappitizing alternatives. My small stack of cookies goes untouched.

It's these times that I hate her. I hate it when she dictates me. I know it's what she considers the best, but I just find it annoying.

"I'm not hungry." I repeat. She silences. She turns and walks away. Finally. I know she's angry now, but I don't care. I've learned to ignore caring when it comes to her.

I pick up my second cookie.

Victory is sweet.

Not it ...

Mon, 22 May 2006 05:22:17 GMT

MEME: List 10 celebrities you find incredibly sexy and explain why.
Include a picture(s) of them, if possible. Tag 5 people to do the same.

01. Eric Szmanda (Actor)
OHEMGEE. This is one adorable male specimen. I LOVE him as Greg on CSI. <3 ( You girls at the CSISlash comm's can stop spazzing now )

02. Jim Morrison (singer)
I used to have a gigantic poster of this man over my bed. <3
"People are strange, when you're a stranger,
Faces look ugly when you're alone
People seem wicked, when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven, when you're down."

This was the poster I had.

03. Stephen Lynch (comedian/singer)
ALTAR BOY OH ALTAR BOY! 8D

04. Eddie Izzard (Comedian/Actor)
Eddie Izzard is fucking Eddie Izzard. I watched the marathon that was on last weekend <3

05. Wallace Langham (Actor)
Snarkism. He is the ULTIMATE David Hodges (CSI). I literally had a spazz attack when they said they were signing him on to the show permenantly. Woot to the Greg/David slash.

06. Johnny Depp (Actor)
Haha, original aren't I? This is a very pretty man.

07. Dane Cook (Comedian)
I have a thing for comedians... Tekken jokes are <3

08. Sarah Silverman (Comedian)
"...and the little bird finds she just can't get enough bee-cock."

09. Mila Kunis (Actress)
She was the best in That 70's Show. <3

10. Jorja Fox (Actress)

Okay, you guys know I'm a CSI nut by now. She is such a fox (lawl)

I tag anyone who reads this and hasn't done it already 8D (my whole 5 friends who actually pay attention)

Reiko (Updated )

Wed, 17 May 2006 13:13:39 GMT

So precious loving the thrill...

Wed, 17 May 2006 11:07:46 GMT

Sweet dear mother of Susan has this week been fucking fun or what?

Okay, today I get up at friggin 12pm. I take Ricky to work at 2-ish and I see Addy on the side of the road. So I figure, she looks depressed, so we grab her. Drop Ricky off, we go back to my house. It turns out that Addy was, well, basiclly STALKING BriBri. (Even though the guy is still at school.) So we chill for a bit and I take her home. Then I find out I'm LATE for a show that I was unaware we were having until literally the day before. So I drive like a maniac to pick up Elise only to find we had a half-hour extension. We went out to the reservation, did the show. Jenna's having boy-woes again. We all really think she needs to drop Jake. She won't, of course. I got home around 10pm.

You'd think I'd be tired by now but alas...

At least things with Ali worked out.

I have YET to figure out my cosplay thing and time is running out x_x;

Oi...

Everybody loves a...

Sun, 14 May 2006 04:15:49 GMT

OMG Tech-nu!

Yeah, just chill-eyeingee with Chris and Justice from Rockin' Pizza. I forgot to mention (to you Bri-Bri) That a bunch of us are going to the Betty Page flick at the Loft tomorrow-ish. I'll re-post on MS and VF, but since some of you get banned from EVERYTHING (*cough* BB and RR *cough*) I decided to put the invite here.

And another FYI, I know what RR and and Auen did to RR's wall. Naughty, naughty. Glue and a lighter? Wtf? Anyways yeah. RR's mom is PISSED. She thinks some middle schoolers did it. :(

Ah well.

-----

Wake up your time is nearly over
No more the supernova
No action guaranteed

Wake up you've had an operation
Ideals above your station
Too much reality

Think about the wasted time spending
Watching Mother Nature's knees bending
Everybody loves a happy ending

Viva la Sunshine

Sun, 14 May 2006 01:36:02 GMT

The last few days have been so insanely insane it's insane.

First, Ali trouble. For those of you who read this and know, you know that's 'nuff said.

Then we had a CAST show on friday. Twas pretty rockin. Jenna, Stephan Elise and I went to Rockin' Pizza afterwards. It's now offically designated my favorite hangout. (With Magic Carpet at a close second.) We had a 'round table discussion about sex lives. I met Jenna's friend/co-worker Chris and Co. It's so sweet. They have like all these autographed pics and stuff on the walls from all these kick ass bands. <3 And they play awesome music.

So today we had a show at Reid Park in the bandshell. To give you an idea of how miserable it was. Take 98-100 degree weather then up it 10. Now stand/jog in that for an hour. Yeah. But Jenna, Stephan and I went to Ricky's mom's after and swam for a bit. We chilled a little then I took Jenna to work. I hung with Stevie at his house then we went to get gas and I dropped him off at work. Then I went to Rockin and that's where I'm at now.

MUCHAS LURVE TO MAH CAITI!

-JJ

Once upon a time...

Fri, 12 May 2006 08:30:21 GMT

ONCE UPON A TIME
I heard music.
I felt safe,
But lonely.
I heard a lot of what I now believe is laughter.
I think my parents were having dinner.
It was dark,
I was afraid.
Then there was light.
I was confused.
I panicked and fought for my life.
I felt like dying.
The room felt dirty.
I felt small.
I cried.
There were huge, bright monsters everywhere.
But I let go.
I was free!
And crawled and cried,
And laughed and was excited,
And hungry.

In kindergarten I made
Lots of friends I made
Green eggs and ham I was
Always waiting for my dad
Didn't talk much he never
Did what he said he was going to do.
I didn't understand my relationship with
My parent's never married.
My life was confusing.
Unstable.
My teachers were scary.
When I was 8 years old my grampa died
I didn't know what I'd do
Without my mom
Was never there.
I made my first best friend.
It was fun, we used to
Laugh and play together.

My sixth grade teacher
Made me feel stupid.
I was 12 years old when
My emotions went crazy, I saw
People pass out in my bathroom, I started
To smoke weed, I came to realize that
My dad wasn't coming home, I learned
About racism, my friends
Were changing, I felt that
I wasn't good enough, I found out
About drugs, my mom
Didn't understand me, she would
Criticize me, I started
To worry about
What other people thought of me, EVERYONE
I knew was using, I didn't
Understand why.

It was something to do.

It killed the pain.

It was the worst year ever.

Things were out of control.

I don't like to think about this, but I
Started using drugs, and
Drinking, and
Questioning.
I tried to bury my dad's cocaine, he almost
Had to talk to me.

M
y

L
i
f
e

Started going downhill.
And drugs were there to help.

5:05

Thu, 11 May 2006 12:06:35 GMT

Wacky little love song...

I wanna make love to you,
That way we always planned it to.
Our first times in love's embrace,
Scars and tears all interlaced.
This reminds me of that time we met.
The times I sat back as you wept.
How I sighed and my teeth would grit,
And I prayed that tomorrow you'd forget.
I felt the pain as I realized,
How disgusting you turned within my eyes.
How swiftly you went from Heaven Sent,
To something I would easily regret.

And now your scars are burning fresh,
And you just grin at rotted flesh.
And all I do is sit and stare,
With no remorse as you lie there.
I feel no sorrow or will to save,
So amused by how you'll behave.
So intelligent you once seemed.
It was a delusion, just a dream.
And you will spite, and you will mock.
Timed so perfect, just like a clock.
You've been so wonderfully trained,
You will see this and say I'm lame.
But I don't care, I'm rather fine,
'Cause I'm the one who walked the line.

Or perhaps it's you just don't care?
That's why you so easily fair?
Or is it because you're weak?
So quick to atattch because you're meek.
I wouldn't know 'cause I'm not you.
I might have added to this bitch that grew.
But I am done and I've moved on.
This will be my last love song.
At least the last I'll direct to you,
Because I've still got some love to do.

Nerd

Wed, 10 May 2006 21:17:06 GMT

Yesterday was so fucking fun. So Rene, Jenna and Stephen couldn't go to the Hispanic Heritage Awards thingy, but that was okay. Elise, Susan and I had a BLAST. The drive up to Pheonix was quiet. I napped most of the way. Then we stopped by this photoplace to check out Susan's head-shots. We finally got to the museum where the awards ceremony was to be held. They had a buffet-lunch thing for an hour before the ceremony. We figured out a way to play Celebrities with only 3 people. Celebrities is played by writting down the names of famous people, living or dead, on scraps of paper and mixing them up. Then each team takes turns drawing out a scrap and trying to explain the person to eachother without using pronouns or names, of course. It really makes he time go. Elise gave this fantabulous speech that I still refuse to believe was off the top of her head. The photographer took FOREVER to get through the pics. We headed home and played "darkness celebrities" where one of us would think of someone and discribe and the other two had to guess. First to guess won. Then we played "US States". We got back to Tucson around 11:30 to find I locked my keys in my car at the meeting place. So we had to call the g-pa to bring me the spare. While we waited we played "Who would you kick out of bed?" (I found out that, given a choice between Louisa and my grandpa, Susan'd rather "snuggle" g-pa.) I wound up getting home at around 1 AM. I emailed my sweetheart and went to bed. All in all I would definately like to have more nights like that.

Tag, I'm it.

Tue, 09 May 2006 17:57:11 GMT

Anyways, Ali found me again. I either suck or she's really good, I'm vouching for the former. I need to put in a good, long call to Caiti. And I think everyone's gonna be pissed that I'm talking to her so easily. I don't really understand it myself. Maybe I really am that co-dependant? Maybe I've just gotten too used to her. I don't feel nearly as obsessive about her as before. It's like my life has become this mildly bipolar timeline. There are "Alison Periods" and then there are "NonAlison Periods." Then again, just categorizing my life into the times I am with or without Ali is pretty codependant of me.

I'm fucked.

BTW, my "Celebrities" partner Stephan (W00t team Stessica!) isn't going with us to Pheonix after all :(. I guess we'll just have to play Mad Libs instead.

W00t, Updatzorz

Mon, 08 May 2006 08:57:01 GMT

05/01/06

We did "the happiness scale" in therapy today. It's hard for me to really be honest on it. My happiness varies on a day-to-day basis. By the by tody was alright. I can only hope that all my "happiness scale" days are like this... It was May-Day, Beltane today. It was hard to concentrate during the ritual. I've been feeling very spiritually drained lately. It's like I'm just numb. And it sucks so goddamned much! Everything around me seems so fragile and if I think hard enough I can see it all fall apart. And.I.just.don't.care. I'm so afraid that I'm turning into Alison. She used to tell me she'd hate for that to happen. Alison hated everything. She hated me. I hate me. We were soulmates in that respect I think. God this sucks so bad...

05/02/06

We read journals in rehearsal today. Jenna, Elise and I got pretty emotional over some of the shit we've gone through. I talked about how useless my past therapy was. And how useless talking to my g-ma is about my emotions. Suffice to say we didn't really get much in the "rehearsal" department done.

05/03/06

Rehearsal sucked today. We were working off our "Rene" scripts. Stephen messed up the "Jenna" scene a bit. Susan got mad. There's not much else to it.

05/04/06

Today was EXHAUSTING. First I went to this TPAC luncheon with some of the CAST, Susan and Adrianne. We were nominated for an award. Suffice to say we didn't win. (The Loft got it). But it was still cool, eventhought they cooked my veggies in wine and I couldnt eat them :(. Jenna, Stephen and I hung out for a little bit at my house before we had to go to this meeting about doing groups or something. Certian people wouldn't shut the hell up. Then I took Stephen to his second acting thingy. Jenna and I jammed out in my car while I took her to Rockin' Pizza. We definately should chill more.

05/05/06

FELIZ CINCO DE MAYO! I worked this table at this party with Rene. We handed out a lot of lit. Rene rocks at talking to lil kids. After that we went by Mollner to pick up the keyboard. Rene made me clean out my car, the bastard. But that's okay cos I almost dumped him out of the car. >3 Anyways, after that we went to R-Galaxy and he let me rent a couple movies on his account. Then I took him home. Today was one bitchin day.

05/06/06-05/07/06

HOLY SHIT!

Hospitals, PBS, and Normality

Mon, 01 May 2006 19:12:30 GMT

04/23/06
I went to Williams, AZ with the CAST. We were putting on a show on Monday and everyone wanted to see the Grand Canyon before. I felt really sick as we headed up and I was very nauseated. We ate at this one resturant but that only made it worse. Then, while we were walking around the rim, I threw up a little bit. I took a nap in the van while everyone else walked. I even started crying a little cos I just wanted to go home. But Stephen bought me this little stuffed deer/moose thing and a Sprite and that made me feel a little better. My dinner was this gross shit from Denny's but it helped my stomach (suprisingly). I had trouble falling asleep that night.

04/24/06
I woke up with the most awful stomach ache ever. I did NOT want to get up but I told myself I had to. We had to put on the show. So I got up before the alarma even went off and took a shower. Then Jenna (my roomie) and I got ready. We watched a little bit of Anastasia (I LOVE that movie so hard) and then went downstairs. We ate at this kick ass resturant called the Grand Canyon Cafe. The guy who runs it is this SWEET Brit who makes the BEST pancakes. <3 Unfortunately though, breakfast didn't help my stomach and by the time we got to the school I was feeling so hideously nauseous and dizzy. I even tried to make myself throw up a couple of times cos I just wanted it to quit, but nothing came out. I sat on some steps outside and got some air. That seemed to help for a bit. Then we went into the lockeroom to warm up and I suddenly got WAY dizzy and felt my chest tighten. I said I couldn't breathe. They set me on this bench and I think I passed out on Stephen. I remember being layed on the floor, then the medics putting me on the stretcher thing. I woke up on the way to the hospital. They said I fainted due to dehydration and altitude sickness. Susan came with me and made sure I was okay. Then she was goofing off and made me laugh, which made me feel a lot better. The CAST improvsed the show, just Elise, Stephen and Jenna, and I hear it went great! Susan and I have been joking about how "that was our plan all along!"

04/25/06
I slept most of Tuesday. I was exhausted, understandably. Ricky came over and we chilled for a bit. He's a good healer, he just doesn't realize it. I started having to go to the bathroom a lot because the doctor gave me these pills for a urinary tract infection. The doc said it had nothing to do with my fainting because I hadn't had any symptoms of it yet.

04/26/06
I watched South Pacific on PBS. I HAVE TO GET THAT DVD! <3 I've been watching a lot of PBS lately. Not that that's a bad thing. Ricky keeps asking "Why can't you be normal?" and I just laugh. But inside I feel hurt a bit, which sucks. He's always criticizing me. I know it's just in fun, but it still makes me feel self-consious. Maybe one day I'll tell him to knock it off.

04/27/06
Thursday was a BUSY day. I had a Teen Townhall thing at ACE with Elise. Then Elise and I went to this YAC Board Meeting thing to discuss the APEX. The park guy pissed us off because he doesn't want loud rock bands to play because it might disturb the public. So? Let it disturb them! Let this whole APEX disturb them! We NEED to make them say "What the fuck?" And when they ask, and we answer, it might just open thier eyes. There's more to life than quiet walks in the park, Mister Park-guy. Anyway, after that we went to a CAST meeting. We're working with two different scripts. One with Rene, and one without. Fun.

04/27/06 - 04/30/06
Nothing much happened over the weekend. I spent most of the time cleaning my room and playing the Sims 2. Ricky came over for a bit and we played and watched this special on PBS about sea creatures. (See, he's not very "normal" is he? :3 )

-JJ

Throwing wolves at maggots.

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 23:49:20 GMT

# 86: Do you have a testimony? Write down the things you do believe and know are true.

Love hurts.
Love Conquers All.
In the end we all die alone.
Don't fuck with Shady.
Don't drink the water.
If you want something done, you have to find cheap labor.
Men are better with other men.
I love Caiti.
I love Brian.
I love Ricky.
I love almost everyone.
Except Alison.
My mom still blames me for her poverty.
My grampa is tall.
Stay Alive could have been way better.
I need gas.
Lists rock.

I feel like...

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 23:34:19 GMT

Do you see me?
Do you wanna pick apart every part of me?
Are you wondering what there'll be?
Do you wanna tune in to see what you'll find?

Drinking Pepsi-cola Screaming "Death to America!"

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 06:13:19 GMT

04.15.06

I worked on my Easter Cards (still late on them). My g-ma gave me my Easter Basket thingy early. HOORAY FOR PEEPS!

04.16.06

My grandparents went to Vail to visit my relatives for Easter. I stayed home and slept-in. Then I worked on the CAST board. I had left over potato salad for dinner. All in all it was fairly uneventful.

04.17.06

I had my first Youth Advisory Council meeting! It was really cool. I think Elise is a great chairperson. <3. We discussed the Youth Apex coming up and brainstormed. I think we were pretty productive. Then we went to the shed to get boxes to take to our new rehersal spot at City High. I was a lil scared about driving downtown but I followed Elise and made it through. The rehersal was exhausting cos we're working on a last minute script.

04.18.06

I cried today. I hate driving downtown so much I had a panic attack. It was so fucking embarassing. Yeah. Rehearsal went okay.

04.19.06

We had a show. I dont think the audience was really paying attention because it was a voluntary attendance sort of thing. Oh well. Other than that, we rocked for only having 4 days to reherse the new script. I'm switching to an online high school so my schedule isn't so tight. Ricky's also switching.

04.20.06

I cried again. Susan had to come and lead me to City High. Why am I so claustrophobic?! It's so disgusting and immature. I just have to get over it already. I bet it's super annoying. Anyways, after rehersal I filled in for Elise on this town hall panel-thing cos her throat hurt. Nothing was really spectacular but I think I sucked. :( *sigh*

Ceramics, nudity, and self-loathing.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 09:03:03 GMT

04.13.06

I broke a ceramic vase in the bathroom. Alright, so maybe that's not the most conventional way to start a journal. (This is from my hand-written journal I have to keep for CAST.) What -is- the conventional way to start a journal anyway? Further, why does my grandma have breakable objects on mobile stands on a tile floor? I guess that's why I'm in acting and not interior design.

04.13.06 (again)

I found out my grampa sleeps nude...
Anyway, the last few days in CAST have een hectic. Rene left, Jenna came in, we rewrote the script. I get to be the sleezeball friend who tried to rape Jenna. After rehearsal Elise, Stephan and I went to Hooters. Good times. I hope my check comes in soon. I joined YAC!

04.14.06

Sometimes I feel like my suggestions are stupid. I feel like I annoy people. I can't help ut wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. Do my fellow CAST members wish I would go away? Do my friends? My family? Why am I so insecure? I feel like I want to cry. Sometimes I tell myself to just shut up because what ever i'm saying is stupid. Sometimes I feel stupid. like when Brian talks about music or Ricky talks about cars. I know it's thier hobbies, but thoes are cool hobbies. My hobbies suck. Sometimes I want to scream because I'm so embarassed by who I am. I guess that's pretty stupid too...

Weekend Recap

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 03:43:27 GMT

Wed.

We left for Safford. The ride there for the most part was uneventful. Stephen brought Mad Libs so we played with those to entertain ourselves. We did the show at Morenci Elementary and it rocked (even though I accidently popped Elise in the mouth during my "grandparent" scene.) It sucked that it was only in front of about 10 people. I guess that's how it goes. I got roomed with Elise. We both had trouble falling asleep.

Thu.

We had to get up at 5am. :( We got yelled at for being "late" for our call time, even though we left earlier than planned to head back to Morenci. (Note: I found that Cranberry juice works wonders on my pre-show jitters.)Anyways, we did the show at Morenci Jr./Sr. High (it was fairly decent) and the one in Duncan. I started crying in the bathroom before the show. I was upset because I felt that everyone was yelling at me for taking too long during our last Q & A session. Add that to a lot of stress I've been under dealing with my g-parents, sister and friends and it just exploded. But Susan (the Director) took me into the weight room of the school and we all sat in a circle and got things situated. (The show was rather drained though.) We went back and ate at this resturant called "Jerry's". Then Rene, Stephen and I went to Wal-Mart. The boys streaked through this dark, alley-thing (which we got yelled at for later. Understandably.) I bought this "20 Questions" thing and a deck of cards.

Fri.

The show we did in Cliffton sucked, but the town was pretty. I think we all were drained from doing 3 shows in 24 hours. On the way home we played this game called "Celebrities". It's definately on my list of things to play during the William's trip. Anyways, when I got home Ricky, Brian and I went to Magic Carpet golf and played pool. 'Twas fun-ful.

Sat.

Slept-in. Hung out. Went to MC again with Brian and Ricky. Brian and I were very... grope-ish. >3 *giggle* All-in-all I had a blast. I had a bit of a depressed dip though. Weird.

Sun.

Brian and I went to MC alone. I wasn't as touchy feely but I think it was cos I didn't want to make him uncomfortable? It was odd. We had PBnJ for dinner!

Mon.

I made a friend at school today. Her name is Tasha Hooker, Hooker for short. Shes so fucking cool. We shared CD's/iPOD and talked about JTHM. <3 I got an emergancy call from work and rushed over to find that Rene is on the verge of having to chose between CAST (work) and graduation. It sucks so bad but hopefully he'll work things out. I don't think CAST would be the same without him.

MotorStone w00t!

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 19:29:04 GMT

So I nearly headbanged myself into a coma with Meep (yes, I changed your nickname, Beef) and Ris at the battle of the bands lastnight. STEVEN'S BAND WON! I had so much fun and I made a new friend! 6PN! ::Hugs:: My neck is so sore...

Friday night Meep, Nada (changed from Loaf fyi XD ) and I bought a shitload of Vault energy drinks and sat around playing "I've never...". Meep threw up. Then we sat around playing madlibs. Sweet.

Today Nada is supposed to come over. We're working on a movie project.

I'm gonna be so busy next week...

Public Speaking is Fun...

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 23:52:00 GMT

So today I spoke on a Teen Townhall meeting over at Grant and Silverbell. I represented the "using" teen cos I'm in recovery. It was pretty cool I guess, but they ticked me off a bit. I called Suzzana (the organizer) and asked if I needed to have anything prepared. She said no. Then I show up and come to find we're doing opening speeches. So I had to write something down in aout 10 minutes. It's sketchy but I think I did pretty good.

Hello, As you know, my name is Jessica Heathcoat and I am 17 years old. I've been in recovery for a little over 6 months. I began drinking when I was 11 years old. I started for a number of reasons, but mainly it had to do with my "forced lifestyle".

From the time I was 10 years old my mother started drinking to deal with the pain of breaking up with my sisters father, her partner of over 10 years. I began to see the changes my mom went through.Sometimes she was sad, sometimes she was happy, sometimes she was angry... She was out of control. Often times I had to step up to her to protect my younger sister from her irratic behavior.

And then, oneday, I had had enough. I began to feel so weak and powerless against her. Coupled with the fact that my sister's father, a man I had called "dad" my whole life, suddenly didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was a lot for an 11 year-old to take on in the course of only one year. Sadly, I broke, and began to use alcohol.

Sadder still, it was only well into my use that I began to hear about programs like alateen, a group for youth effected by alcohol abuse in thier families. By then I'd decided that it was too late.

It took until I was 16 yearsold for me to acknowledge that I had a problem. 5 years for me to realize that the pain I was trying to protect my family from was the pain that I was causing.

This is why I believe that it it so important to address underage alcoholism in our community. This is why I agreed to do this "Teen" Townhall. Because I look around at my fellow panelists and I realize there are only two people up here for a presentation meant for teens that can really identify and represent today's youth. I don't mean to say that adults have no business being involved, because they do. They make up a large part of the support group I have accquired throughout my recovery. However, Jacob and I represent only a small fraction of the youths effected by substance abuse and alcoholism. I believe that the voice of the children is very misrepresented and only amounts to a whisper within this sea of adults and adult agendas.

I'm hoping that this meeting today intrigues you. I hope it opens your eyes to what's going on around us. Because we are the future. Only we can decide how to deal with and irradicate this ever-growing problem. Thank you.

Attack of More Fanarts

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 00:42:09 GMT

No flirting on the job, Greg...

David is bored...

Teaser pic!

Soulmate?

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 08:08:40 GMT

So I went onto Justachat for the first time in forever and a half and lo' and behold, I think I've stumbled across my soulmate.

Okay, so maybe this is a little early to call but god.

She is amazing.

She's bi. She loves yaoi, shota and twincest. She RP's. She's artistic. She's funny.

She's damn near perfect.

Caitlin.

I think that's how she spelled it.

I hate to ramble but...

Yea...

I'm going to bed...

-JJ "let thine heart be true" Hea

Secret Slave - Chapter One: Beginnings - Greg x Hodges

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 00:51:28 GMT

Secret Slave - Chapter One: Beginnings - Greg x Hodges

David set his coffee down on the cool, pure marble table top. His glare was slightly irritated.

"I don't want to be here." He stated plainly.

"It shows." Came the cool response from the younger male. Pretty brown eyes locked with blue. He was enjoying this.

David gave a soft snort in response, that endearing sneer twitching at the corner of his mouth. His eyes drifted slightly to the side, scanning the small cafe` for signs of familiarity. Why was he here? What if someone saw them? The last thing he needed was to be the center of a lab rumor-mill because he owed Sanders a breakfast. ( Then again the threat of rumor was really what brought him here.)

More importantly, why did he care?

His eyes returned to Greg, who was now casually sipping his orange juice and looking out the window that sat off to the side, across the room, beyond a small booth. (David had made a point to not sit too close to any windows; This was getting close to paranoia.) The golden light of morning trickled in through the transparent glass and cast it's glow onto Greg. His enitre frame seemed to warm with it, from the tiny highlights in his hair to his contently shimmering eyes, to the soft smile that touched his lips. The CSI was breathtaking.

"It's impolite to stare, Hodges..." Greg chided, smirking deviously as he glanced to David.

Shit.

"Yes, and you're just the epitome of manners, aren't you?" It was a hastey, flimsy comeback, but still prevailing in his usual style. Snarkism.

Greg gave a half-chuckle and set his glass down. He kept his eyes on David as he reached across the table and snatched a peice of toast from the lab tech's as of yet undisturbed plate.

David rolled his eyes. Greg took a bite.

They were silent a moment.

"So, how long?" The CSI couldn't resist. It was in his nature to snoop. And he missed being in the "loop". But this was different.

This time he was the only one who knew.

And David was bribing him with breakfast because of it.

Hodges sighed heavily. Well that was inevitable. "None of your business."

"It is, unless you -want- me to spill to the break room."

Implore met irritation.

"You can really be an asshole, Sanders."

Dare met uncertainty.

David averted his eyes. "Years..." He sipped his coffee. "I'm not really sure how long."

"I figured as much." Greg shrugged and sipped his orange juice, playing all this off like they were discussing the weather.

David quirked his brow, glancing to Greg. He sipped his coffee again and shook his head. "CSI's..."

Greg grinned and finished off his, or rather David's, toast. Hodges wasn't very hungry today.

Truth be told, he was pretty suprised at how long it had taken for someone at work to figure out his secret. He always dreaded the imminent. That day one of the other labrats or, more realisticly, CSI's exposed him for all he was. Except they never did. Either they weren't as clever as he'd orignally thought, or they just didn't care.

He didn't know how to feel about that. He was happy, because it meant he wasn't going to lose his job or face some sort of horrible mocking. But, as much as he hated to admit it, it hurt too. They just didn't care at all, that is if they knew, which they most likely did. Admittedly, David wasn't exactly the type of personality everyone got along with, but he figured someone would have brought it up at least once. Catherine, Jacqui, hell, Grissom... Somebody! It didn't matter that, if he had, he would have adamantly denied it all. It was the thought that counted.

Then there was yesterday. He didn't know how or why, it seemed so offhand. Like Greg just decided on a whim.

"Do you like boys?"

David had frozen. He wasn't prepared. He had no snappy retort. He blushed. And Greg knew instantly.

Yes.

It hadn't been just the fear of being uncloseted. It was the question. Do you like boys? It was so... High School.

So innocent.

So hot.

So Greg.

Had it been any other way, an "Are you gay?" or such, he'd be, embarassed yes, but right back at him with a particularly fractious comeback. But it was the candidness, the simplicity, the tone in which Greg had said "Do you like boys?" that made David's chest flutter. He felt his heart beating rapidly in his throat, his body tensed and heated. A sharp tingle rushed through his nerves.

He felt pain in his eyes. Stinging.

Finally. Finally, after so long, someone cared, even if it came in a childish quip.

Elation had met amusement.

Then fear met intent.

"I won't tell."

Relief.

"For a price."

David wanted to strangle that grin right out of Greg.

But he'd nodded, and offered food, and Greg accepted. And so, there they were.

"It's not over, you know." Greg stated, peering over his glass of O.J at the older male after the extended silence.

He must have been watching David as he remininced.

"What?" He replied aporeticly. "I bought you breakfast. That was the deal."

"No, I agreed to come to breakfast. We didn't specify that this was my bribe. You simply offered to take me out and I accepted." Greg grinned.

David's brows furrowed.

"And I do believe that, given the situation, I should be the one to establish when the deal is done." Sanders finished of his juice.

"You little bastard..." David stared at him in disbelief for the better part of 2 minutes.

What was he going to do? He'd had enough "outing" for one week. He certainly wasn't ready to handle the scale of rumor that would come from Greg blabbing to the entire Crime Lab, whether or not his co-workers aready had thier suspicions.

Just short of killing the guy, Hodges had no options. He had to comply. He hung his head with a groan in defeat, then glanced back to Greg.

Hope met joy.

"It's not over?"

Joy turned to sadism.

"It's only just begun..."

Chick Fight

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 22:45:31 GMT

There was another fight at school today. Some chick Lashayla and some other chick I don’t know. Sometimes it makes me want to laugh. Sometimes it’s sad. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to admit these are my peers. It took 4 teachers to get them apart. It’s disgusting really, to watch all this unfold. I know it’s about pride and defense or whatever but it just seems so pointless. Whoever loses the fight is shamed and whoever wins is praised, even though they don’t deserve it. So you resorted to a carnal reaction then acting like the supposedly well-evolved being you’re supposed to be. Good for fucking you. What’s even more disgusting is this is going on all the time, not just with teenagers in high school. I see it everywhere. It makes my outlook on life horrendously bleak.

Beyond this though, everything’s been pretty alright. I’ve been working on a few stories and drawing more. I thought life after Alison would be a catastrophe but it isn’t in the slightest. Honestly, I’ve found it fairly hard to feel anything. I’ve been numb. I think I’m in shock, or bored, or something.

I went out to dinner with Stephen after work. He’s a pretty cool guy, though he was a bit paranoid that one of his friends or his girlfriends’ friends would see us and think we were on a date. He’s adorable and a total flirt, but I don’t think I’ll ever think of him as more than a friend. He did complement my boobs though, and that’s always fun.

I might be speaking on a panel at a Teen Town Hall next week. More info later…

-JJ

Pictures

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 04:51:48 GMT